Weekly Update for Week of 8 11 23

We're gonna start this unorthodoxly. Did you ever want to be, like, one of those radio guys who just does the like the hype hype guy for the radio?

Sure, on occasion.

Like, welcome to Kpxx.

The tits, the titties.

Yeah, I think there's been a cool job. Just be that guy.

Just do the bumpers.

Or are you talking about, like, a DJ?

Yeah, I think just the bumpers.

That'd be fun.

Being a DJ doesn't seem that fun.

No, you just sit there, play records and die of boredom after probably three weeks.

And then you're, like, excited. You're excited about a band, and then you're, like, play it, and then your boss is like, don't ever play that shit again.

Right.

I also feel like every time it's.

Been in media, I always think about, like, Harry Shearer and Wayne's World, too. It always seems like everyone thinks they just have the saddest fucking life.

Yeah.

And they also think they have, like it's always, inevitably someone who thinks they have the best taste in music.

Of course.

Have you seen Pitch Perfect? Yeah, she's like, interning or something. I don't remember it all that well, but I remember she's, like, interning at the radio station or something, right? And she's like, I'm in a mixtape. And then the pivotal scene in that movie where she's singing Titanium in the shower, right? And Britney Snow is like, oh, my God. Is that titanium? As if it's some fucking hidden gem. And not, like, the biggest song in the world at that time.

Right, exactly.

But all that to say, that was all to set up me saying, like, welcome to Twisted talking metal.

Twisted talking twisted.

Like a radio DJ talking metal. Talking metal.

That was a long tangent for that, but worth it totes.

Worth it totes. So this is episode three indeed. Feels like another Filler episode. It's like, just do eight episodes, then why do ten? I don't even know what the license plate thing is for this. It's like the law one, and there's.

A one at the end. That's what not the law one. Not the law one. Not the law one.

I don't get it.

I don't get it either.

But it was directed by Jude Wang.

Okay?

E-N-G. Real Taiwanese born American director. But just in case our Chinese overlords or our dear Leader Xi is listening, we do not believe in Taiwanese independence. It is part of China. We would never say that it's its own country.

Quite a stand you're taking right now. I'm not sure I can co sign any of this.

Do you remember when.

Oh, my God.

John Cena said something about Taiwan country and he, like, apologized in Mandarin?

Oh, my God.

We live in the stupidest timeline.

Yeah.

Like, holy shit.

Fucking ridiculous.

But she has directed a bunch of TV. She has directed episodes of Blackish, which I have never seen.

I haven't either, but I heard it's really good.

Yeah. I like what's his name? Oh, my God.

The blackish guy.

Anthony. Anthony Anderson.

Oh, yeah. He's funny.

He's really he's really funny.

In me, Myself, and Irene, one of Jim Carrey's kids, she's directed episodes of The Good Place, which I think was a pretty good show.

This is a great show.

I zombie, which I kind of like. That's a guilty pleasure show of mine.

Haven't seen it.

Crashing on HBO. The Pete Holmes show. Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, which was after one season. Goddamn, did that show get annoying as fuck. Fresh off the Boat, which I've never seen. Crazy ex girlfriend, which I have seen and enjoy. Young Sheldon.

Yeah.

Yikes yikes yikes yikes.

So that's what she's done. And unfortunately, those roads led her to this.

Yeah.

Which I can only assume is a dark time in her career.

I wonder if she thought this was.

A get when she signed on, maybe? Yeah.

But it's like, I don't know. Because she's done other streaming shows. She's done Netflix shows. She did only murders in the building. Only murders in the building on Hulu. I've never seen it. But I've heard good it's. And she did an HBO show. So it's not like she's like, I need to add peacock to my resume. So I don't know. But I'll tell you what, the problem with this show I don't even think is necessarily the directing.

Oh, no, of course not.

I mean, it's fine. With a budget of $15 an episode, it's fine.

$15 Canadian, maybe.

Yeah. 15 pesos an episode.

Yeah.

So that's Jude Wang. Well, at the beginning of this episode, we get a flashback. And this is an old TV trope, right? The flashback cold, open, and of course.

The first thing we hear is the opening bars to Lend Steal My Fucking Sunshine.

That old classic, that old gem.

I will say just an introduction because I kind of shit on this song. When the trailer came out, when we.

Were talking about it, I did read.

That they're a one hit wonder. And I guess they knew they were going to be a one hit wonder. They had no illusions about anything. So basically, when it came time to do a music video, they pitched a trip to, I think it was Daytona Beach or something, the band, and said, yeah, we're just gonna go around and party and hang out with people, knowing that they were just going to do that and this was just going to be something they did. And who cares what the music video turned out? They just wanted to have fun on someone else's dime for a weekend.

The Adam Sandler strategy.

And I kind of gained a touch of respect for Len there. I detest this song. But if I'm in charge of heaven and hell, I mean, they're still going to hell.

But yeah, there's no change.

But I'd say they're going to I'd put them in purgatory after hearing that story.

Yeah, it's a good story.

Anything to bilk these record labels out of, more especially back then.

Yeah, exactly.

Just the evilest people on the planet were 100% record labels.

100%.

Yeah. I love that.

Now that music, record labels are dead. It's just all coming out how just gruesome these people were.

Gruesome.

Yeah.

Perfect word.

Just the devils. Yeah. So, of course, the show loves its needle drops and it just right out of the gate, and it hits us with a flashback. And they're at some sort of outdoor Galleria Mall type thing. But it's not a traditional mall. You know what it looks like? It looks like the camarillo outlets.

Yeah.

Something like that.

Yeah.

Something low end.

Yeah.

But shout out to the set design department because they really could have botched this. And they went out of their way. And these are the stores that I caught. There's a Radio shack.

Indeed.

A Walden books.

Very nice touch.

Right? There a claire's.

And this one opened up like a memory hole for like I was like, Is that a real thing? Is that a real thing? I don't even know. Is that real? Anchor Blue.

Okay. Anchor Blue. Yeah.

Which was a thing.

I didn't know that. I didn't know.

Anchor blue. Yeah.

Anchor blue was like, oh, my God. Like Old Navy mixed with, like, zoomies.

Okay.

Axon kind of shit.

Sure.

Cheap clothes, I think, if I remember correctly. Listen to that. And there's two girls in there about to light up, spark up a smoke.

They sure, cigarette.

Cigarette.

Yeah.

And of course, we realize this is Agent Stone's flashback. And he comes up and let's just say he aged like shit for 20 years. He looks if Thomas Hayden Church is supposed to be this guy, oh, my God, he did not age well.

It's always interesting when they reverse cast, like a younger version of an actor. And you're like but I remember him from Wings. And he never looked that never he was born looking pretty close to what he does now. And you're like, yeah, he never had that much useful of a fucking appearance.

Yeah.

Kind of like Mickey Rourke.

Yeah, exactly.

Never looked young.

Yeah, never looked young. Definitely looked hot in the 80s.

Sure.

Very bad looking after the 80s. Yeah, very.

Just rough the word for the show.

Gruesome.

Gruesome. Gruesome number two.

Yeah.

Oh, God, I love that oscars, when he was nominated for The Wrestler, and they had to tell they'd come back from a commercial break and he was, like, sitting on the stairs up to the stage and they go back, get off the fucking scene.

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Fuck.

Yeah, that's good. But yeah. So Agent Stone Officer Stone of the Topeka PD, sure approaches these two girls and tries to be cool cop.

Yeah.

Ladies.

He's like, oh, hey, ladies, I get it. You're young, beautiful ladies. Like a fucking weirdo. Completely you want to act like you're older. You want to be grown up. And these two girls accurately clock him as a fucking total creep.

Absolutely.

And proceed to just roast him to death.

Yeah.

They don't get too far, but they do get some good ones.

Yeah. Just absolutely roasting him. Calling him a mall car. Just absolutely giving him the business. And as he's trying to be stern, the world ends.

Yes.

Whatever it is, whatever this big apocalypse that happened, happens.

It's taking planes out of this guy helicopters.

Shits are exploding randomly off a building and cuts this dude's leg off.

Yeah.

Somehow all the electronics get fucked up.

Yeah.

And this is all still going on. Steal. My sunshine is still playing.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

During all of this. And then they do the classic freeze frame main title, twisted Metal.

Boom. Boom.

How's that for a cold?

Open.

Yeah. And then we're back. We are back. We're back in the world of twisted metal at the Hoover Dam. And remember at the end of last episode when Quiet and John Doe were getting tased?

Guess what?

That's still happening.

They're still there.

Still happening. And then she has this weird moment where she sees John Doe on the ground and has like a hallucination that it's her brother.

Yeah.

So I understand the thought process behind it's. Like it's like her grief is manifesting in a way that it's making her hallucinate. She is dealing with so much grief.

Right.

But this is not that kind of show.

No.

And there's not enough character building going on for me to a give a shit about any of this. But also it feels so like haphazardly slammed in there that you didn't earn it. And it's not particularly clever. It's like some dude watched like a handful of a 24 movies and was.

Like, I got something artsy to do here, I will say.

And we're going to come back to it.

And I know where I have a theory. That's all I'll say.

I have a theory about why that's in there. And I'm always looking for someone, a mind at work, someone to be playing a long game. That's all I'm going to say. We'll come back to it. We'll come back to it. I promise that we will come back to it.

Gotcha.

Yeah.

So then after that, shepard.

Yeah.

Jared Bankens, who plays Agent Shepard, the.

Kind of greasy haired, long haired second.

Command he from the last episode, the one who branded her.

That's right.

Comes up to her, recognizes her, comes up to her and like a creep, gives her a big long sniff. Of course, because that is screenwriting 101. If you want to make someone creepy, have him sniff somebody.

Yes.

100%.

It'll work every time.

Yes. Classic move of the weirdo sniffing someone.

Yeah.

Nothing will make you hate someone like watching them sniff another person. It's just so off putting.

Right.

And then they get taken in to Hoover Dam, which is a giant police station. But it turns out here we go. Commentary on society.

Go on.

It's actually a DMV. Oh, God. Totally. Not a hack bit to equate the DMV with. Like hell, no.

Yeah. Not hacky at all. Never been done either.

This is like some this is a Seinfeld fan wrote this, basically. Yeah, this is a Seinfeld bit. But it would have been funny in the 90s.

Yeah.

They would have found a way to.

Make now it's like, who gives a shit?

Yeah. Awful.

Yeah. And of course, she's asking people, you are going to apply for an open road license or you walk the red line which later we'll find out it means you walk off the dam.

Yeah.

Basically fugitive style.

Yeah.

Like, who gives a fuck? Speaking of the fugitive way better than I was. I didn't kill my wife.

Not only that, I'd say every incarnation of The Fugitive better than this original TV show movie. Even the CBS TV show a couple decades ago. Better than this, by far.

Yeah.

I do love that movie. Tommy Lee Jones. Tommy Lee Jones. Has he done anything since? No country for old men.

He's counted a lot of men in black dollars.

That's true. Yeah, that is true.

Yeah. So then we cut to Stu and Mike.

Yeah. Everyone's favorites. Everyone. The Gruesome.

Twosome Stu and Mike. And they're tearing apart Evelyn.

Yeah. Sons of bitches.

God going through. And then we get a very funny white people don't know what's going on joke. Because Stu finds a tub of cocoa butter and thinks it's like a nut, right? Like an almond butter. So he says back to Mike, have you ever had cocoa butter? As he's putting up some of it in his mouth? And Mike's, like, had cocoa butter.

Had. Yes.

He very funny.

Very funny. Very funny. Is it? Yeah.

Is it hilarious. That's some good, wonderful, wonderful writing. And then, of course, Shepard comes back before, not until after stu voices his concerns about Agent Stone and Mike tells him this story about Agent Stone that he heard. So he's like, he's legit. He's a hero. He killed a bunch of fucking terrorists.

He sure did.

Goddamn dirty terrorists.

When the shit went down, he fucking killed these fucking terrorists.

He was doing Seal Team Six. He's a tier one operator.

Yeah. Hell, yeah.

That's why he's Agent Stone, not Officer Stone.

Truth. Yeah.

And then Shepard comes up and we kind of see that Shepard and Mike are buddies.

They're, like, hanging. They're chilling together.

Yeah.

He goes he's like, I like the way you TASE that twat. Because twat's a very funny word.

Right?

And he's ah, they're loving it. They are having a fucking good time. But then you realize that Shepard does not like Stu.

Doesn't like him at all. And I will say, much like last episode, this is the part that my mind stopped making memories for just a little bit here.

Yeah.

And it seems like he doesn't like Stu because Stu's fat.

I can see no other reason because nothing else seemed pretty straight up. It has to be his weight.

Yeah.

Which come on. It's 2023.

Not cool, shepherd.

Not cool.

Still being fat.

Phobic. Yeah.

It's a dystopian hellscape out there. And you're going to judge someone on their weight? Good God.

Good God, man.

Good God.

Get it together. And then he approaches the car and Stu's like, oh, I got this trash. And Shepard grabs it from him and has like an oh, fuck moment.

Yeah.

Big old fuck looking at this piece of paper.

Because it's a map.

Yeah, it is.

It is a map. It's the map.

The map that he got from the map maker.

From the restaurant.

Yeah. It's a map drawn with crayons.

It's a children's map.

Yes. God damn. This fucking show.

This fucking show.

So then they're being interrogated.

Well, this just sets off everyone, because can't be having a map.

Can't be having maps.

Can't be having a map.

Can't be having maps. And we find out why you can't be having maps, right?

Do we?

We do. Because Agent Stone comes in to try to get to the bottom of this map business and find the person who made the map. Because this map avoids all the law checkpoints.

Okay, I did miss that one too.

That was one wants he wants the map maker and bootleggers map.

Yeah.

And of course John DOE's like, I found it on the side of the road. Very bad lie.

Yeah.

Very super bad lie. And then quiet spits in Agent Stone's face because she has no survival instincts.

None.

And then we go back into flashback.

Oh, yes, we do.

And Agent Stone is at home. The world is ending. His neighbor comes up and is like, oh, my god, what do we do? And he's like, I don't know what to do. And then he turns around and she pulls a gun on him. Because if we know one thing about Agent Stone, he is a massive fucking loser.

Yeah.

Just a big old dingus. Just fucking a goof them up. Just the Barney Fife, right?

Bit of a clown.

Yeah. Barney Fife.

Yeah. Just an absolute fucking dope. And everyone knows it. They can smell it on him.

Yeah.

And they don't like him. This neighbor doesn't like him.

Don't. Because not only is he a dope, he's like a dope who takes himself very seriously and thinks he holds some sort of authority.

Right?

What do they do? Her and her husband rob him of his guns.

Yeah. And then the husband clocks him in the face with the butt of a gun. And now we know how he got.

That scar, which honestly, let's be honest callback well, also, I think we expected this to be in the season finale.

Because that's been a question everyone's been.

Asking, how did he get a scar?

It's the biggest mystery of the show because it's like, is there a story? Is it a weird makeup choice?

Right?

Yeah. What is it?

It leads me to believe they've got a lot more surprises in store if they're willing to reveal this in episode three. How he got a scar.

Yeah. So there's that.

There is that.

And then yeah, then we come into.

I think a section is a war crime.

This section coming up of this show is a fucking war crime.

I also have a bone to pick.

I've got section 1000 bone to picks.

With this section because there's a trope here that I'm sorry, an old TV trope. But I'm talking about a specific one, though.

Okay.

There is a specific trope here that has been in TV forever and just doesn't resonate with me. And I guess perhaps it's because of my age, but we cut back to the interrogation and Stu and Mike come in and we learn that their torture is going to be listening to Barbie Girl. Next needle drop. Next needle drop. Extremely loud. So loud that hurts. And then they have to fill out paperwork in triplicate. Now this is the trope that I'm talking about. There's been all kinds of like, fill this out in triplicate. Fill this out in triplicate. Never in my entire fucking life have I ever had to fill out a single thing in triplicate.

No, it's not been a thing in decades.

I feel like more than the Xerox was invented in, like the 70s, right? It's in Mad Men.

What about fucking carbon paper? We had that for a long time. I'm sorry. So they're filling out what their application for open road license, right?

It's not clear.

It's not clear. They give him little golf pencils and he asks, what if I don't mow my DOB? And the guy says, you don't know your date of birth? He says, I don't know that either. It's like that joke just doesn't I'm sorry, but that joke doesn't work.

Nope.

Because he either is fucking with them.

By saying DOB or he's not.

And you can't have both. And okay. I said I was going to come back to something, and then they use that opportunity about the dobbs. Says, well, I don't know my date of birth either.

I don't even know who my parents are. Okay?

I'm not acting like I've prognosticated the ending. I know the ending of this series.

I know what's to come in season two, supposedly, right? The tournament. Yeah, I know that.

I haven't seen it, but I know.

That I've heard that quiet shots of the brother and now this.

The second mention of not knowing who he is or his parents. Those are going to be they're both going to be in the tournament. Those are going to be their heart's desires. And I think we're going to see that a lot through the rest of the series. We're going to set up all and that's what I'm saying about wanting a mind at work.

I almost almost respect that as set up. Almost.

I would respect that as set up if it just comes so early. And the assumption of a season two, what it does is it makes this feel incomplete.

It is. But I think we're going to keep hearing about his parents and his amnesia, and I think we're going to keep seeing quiet, not being able to get over her brother's death.

So that when season two comes along.

Which it fucking won't. But I don't know.

People are saying this is people are.

Liking this, so maybe there will be a season two and they're in the tournament and that's going to be their liking this. And I don't fucking get I don't fucking understand.

I read people do not understand.

I read people saying it's kind of awesome. It's not kind of awesome. It's kind of awful. Except for the part about kind of it's awful.

I think about 50% of Ted lasso was absolute dog shit. I like, but Lasso, I like the half of it enough to where I understand why people were going nuts over it. I don't understand this shit at all.

At all.

It's just vile.

It's vile.

This show is grotesque. We'll stick or gruesome. I'm sorry, we'll stick with that.

It's both.

Yeah, it really is.

It is. It's a horror show, but not in a way that I'd like, no. So, yeah, they're filling out paperwork as torture in triplicate, something that nobody in history has ever done. Nope. Then they have to do like, an eye test, like at a DMV, because DMV is hell. It's torture being at the DMV and the lights are really bright and they pepper spray them in the face.

Right in the eyes.

Right in the eyes. And then they like, waterboard them to.

The tune of Barbie Girl. Fur laughs.

Yeah.

I'm not trying to be a stick.

In the mud, but is that just.

Like, that feels very like we're making that thing after we as Americans, waterboarded people. And then there was that debate for certain people that, oh, it's not really torture. I feel like this is taken very treated very lightly. That is apparently a very inhumane form of torture. And they're playing Barbie Girl and it's for laughs.

Yeah. And it's odd too, because the world basically ended in 2003 for them. So 911 very fresh in Agent Stone's mind from before hell. I wouldn't be surprised if it's like the reason he became a cop.

Okay, not bad. Not bad.

Or he probably talked himself into it, really, was that he was probably given wedgies and shit in high school and like, I need a gun.

Yeah.

That sequence I just had a huge I mean, first of all, it wasn't that funny. I still hate the tone of this show, so I get comedy. I like comedy. The tone is so fucking off on this show. It's just so bizarre to me.

I love comedy. Righteous Gemstones.

Sure.

This newest season of righteous gemstones.

Amazing.

What we do in Shadows is the first two seasons we're fucking masterclass in comedy. In fishadow water comedy. But this is garbage. Whatever.

It's fucking awful.

This is how we speak in Arizona.

Yeah.

New York City.

Come on. New York City.

The entire Jackie Daytona. When Laszlo goes on the run and gets a new identity, owns a bar. Might be the best comedic standalone episode in human history. It is perfect. Every second of it is fucking perfect. It comes back around from the beginning. I don't want to spoil too much, but it's a perfect piece of comedy. And if you don't like it and you like this, you should recheck yourself.

Because I think the movie is pretty perfect, too.

The movie is absolutely perfect.

Werewolves not swearwolves.

There you go.

So good. But yeah. So they're getting tortured. They're being very cavalier about it. And there is a little bit of a commentary on it, too, is because Mike is really enjoying torturing people.

Really likes it, doesn't he?

And Stu is concerned about how much Mike is enjoying it. He doesn't say anything, but through some creative editing oh, yeah. We see some shots of him looking very concerned.

Very concerned.

And of course, what's his name? Mike Mitchell. The guy who plays Stu total thespian.

Oh, one of the best. He's the dorktown guy. Not dorktown, doughboys. Doughboys guy.

Dorktown whatever. Yeah. He definitely does not play the same character in everything he's ever been in.

Certainly not. They should have gotten that Richard Jewell guy. He would have brought that actor. He slays, that guy.

Did you see that blackbird show on Apple TV?

I didn't see that.

I'm going to watch it with Ray Liotta.

No.

Yeah, he's like the murderer guy. Okay, so the show is fine. I don't particularly like what's his name? Taron Edgerton.

I don't think he's yeah, I don't.

Love him, but I don't think he's very good. But it's an interesting show, and the Richard Jewell guy is very good in it.

Here's why he is the best. You will see him in things and not realize he's the Richard Jewell guy until later. And you go, that's the Richard Jewel guy. In fact, the thing I loved him from was the Jamie Taco episode of I think you should leave. And only later was it pointed out to me, well, that's the Richard Jewell guy. And I went, Are you fucking kidding me? And I loved it even more. And I love the Richard Jewell movie even more because of him. Because he's a fucking genius in everything he does.

Hell yeah.

I think we should what is that guy's name? The guy's name is Paul Walter Hauser.

Should have all the money, give him all the acting.

Yeah. I think the first thing I can really remember him in was he he's a what's his name's?

Galooli.

Galuli's? Like Lackey?

Yeah.

The guy who actually hits her his hang around.

Yeah, he's fucking great in that. He plays the kind of well, no, because Richard Jewell is a different kind of character than that guy, whatever that guy's name is. But he plays a certain kind of failure white guy so fucking well. And he's so good. Give him all the money and all the roles. Do it, Hollywood.

Fucking do it.

Apparently he's in an episode of It's Always Sunny.

Of course he is.

He's in an episode of Community.

I would not doubt that.

He's a comedic he plays student number three.

Beautiful.

Oh, God. He's in an episode of Blunt Talk. Have you ever seen Blunt?

Never. Blunt Talk?

I don't know what that okay, so Blunt, it's like he's an extra in it. Blunt Talk was a show, a short lived show. I think it got two seasons on Stars, right. Starring it's a comedy starring Patrick Stewart.

Okay.

It is so funny.

Watch Blunt Talk.

All right.

Yeah. He plays like a liberal sort of like Tucker Carlson kind of character. And he has a show called Blunt.

Blunt Talk.

I love it.

And it is fucking great.

Awesome. Yeah. Check that out.

But yeah, so Stu not enjoying it. And then we go back to another flashback because we have not got enough flashbacks.

No.

And we see Stone sitting, drowning his sorrows, trying to find salvation at the bottom of a whiskey bottle. Nose bloody, blood on the scar.

I mean, that's not going to heal right away.

It's not. And then some goon comes in and is like, officer, there's terrorists in the rainforest.

Cafeteria took over my restaurant.

Yeah. And I guess this guy's really a piece of shit, as we find out.

We'll find out he's a true piece of shit.

Yeah. So Stone, not being one to take injustice lying down no. Pulls a shadow box out. We find out his dad was a cop. Oh, my God. That's why he did it. He was just trying to get approval from his father.

Daddy.

And in the shadow box, a picture of his father and a Colt Springfield 1911. And enough bullets for a full magazine for some fucking reason.

No fucking shot.

And it's not a display gun. It is a real gun. So he breaks it.

Fucking shot.

And then he has a gun. Now he's armed. He is armed and dangerous. And then we cut back before we get into any more stuff, we cut back to what's going on, to the present. In the present. And they have know John Doe has said, I'm not telling you shit, yold, bitch. And they're in the waiting room to be executed by having to jump off the Hoover.

Yeah.

They walk the red line and then the door opens and it's just a drop off.

Yeah.

But before that. They're sitting in the waiting room, and it's a DMV waiting room number system and everything. And we get a little bonding between.

Quiet and John Doe before you want to get it.

So they're going to fuck 100%, and.

They'Re going to come close. And then next season, when they're against each other, it's going to be, oh, my God, it's so terrible.

Before we know if I've learned anything from this show, they're going to fuck like, next episode.

No, they are.

It's going to be so fast.

Yeah, well, sure. But I'm saying when we get to next season and they're against each other and they're both fighting for their heart's desires, it's going to be like, oh, but they were so close and they're in love.

But you're my heart's desire.

I want to point out a missed.

Obvious layup of a joke in this scene. So they're in the waiting room with one other person who I'm guessing is an Easter egg character from a twisted metal game, just because he was all crazy looking. But I didn't look it up.

I didn't look it up either.

And he's like, B 67. By the way, the B completely unnecessary. But you do the beetlejuice joke here. You do the beetlejuice joke. The guy has, like, the number written on his arm, 67 and the 67, blah, blah, blah. And then we cut to John Doe looking at his arm, and he's 68. That's not what you do. You look and he's like, 307. And then you realize he still has to sit there, as they call so many numbers before him. And that's actually not an awful, awful joke.

But they can't even get that right.

They couldn't even go for the even lower hanging fruit and have him be number 69.

Exactly. They could have even done that. There are six or seven jokes that are layups here that you can least get a chuckle. And by the way, I'm going to say there is a joke coming up that got a chuckle. I actually laughed out loud. But they couldn't even do these layups here. They miss the easiest and effective jokes to make everyone just a quip machine. But sorry.

Yeah. So they bond.

This is the joss weedification I know of media.

I know this is.

So they do a little bonding over her dead brother and him not knowing his family, and he's like, be lucky.

You even had the time with his brother heart's desire.

Yeah, be lucky.

Yeah.

You should be grateful about that because I don't even know my family, know my parents were I don't even know what's going on. And then, of course, Stu has to be the one to lead them to the door down the red line. And of course, they very easily can talk him into helping them escape.

Well, when they do, though, the joke that made me laugh, they're walking and he says, you sure you want to do this? Big man. And then Stu goes on a rant about, oh, big man, I know what this means. And he goes through a lot of fat jokes. And then he says something that made me laugh, which is like or you know who you look like? Bruce valanche.

That did get me too. The Bruce joke did get me.

Someone else. Some fucking first year fucking writer's assistant came up with that. It's the only funny thing that's made me laugh in the show. And it made me laugh. I was like, that is a funny ref good.

Yeah. There's no fucking way that the main writers of this show no, it's too good.

That is too good of a joke. And I was like, all right, you got me.

You got me.

This might be like a Mike Mitchell. Like, he might have just improv that. That could be an improv line.

I actually would like to fucking ask him because it does not belong in this show. It's too.

Good. Got me good this time, too.

Yeah.

So then Bruce ledge.

It's so fucking perfect.

Does it look like episode art for this episode? Bruce.

Bruce, yes. He doesn't even look that much like him.

But he doesn't at all.

But it's so insulting. Yes.

Bruce Valley is not someone you think about a lot.

Never.

The second you hear his name, you.

Know what he looks like.

And his fucking chin neck thing comes into your fucking head and it's like it's an assault on the senses.

What's? An assault on senses. And as a joke, when he says, look like and you're not expecting Bruce Flynn, but you realize how good of a fucking dig. And all his life, Stu has been getting digged because he remembers blue Bruce fly. I'm actually laughing so fucking hard at this right now. It is such a good joke. There's no way the writers of this.

Show wrote that joke. Yeah.

We're definitely making the art for this episode. Bruce.

Yeah.

Oh, God. Well, he's convinced to not kill them.

Yeah.

They say, you're a good guy. You're not like Mike. And he's like, you know what?

You're right.

And then we go back to the final flashback of the episode.

This is rough.

And it's Agent Stone storming the Rainforest Cafe.

Yeah.

It's not called that, but it's what it is.

It's exactly what it is.

And I've got to point out a wrong prediction when he's walking through the Rainforest Cafe. I typed out, I'm really expecting a clever girl from Jurassic Park joke here. In fact, we got zero jokes. The Rainforest Cafe. Part of this has nothing to do with anything. It's just they thought it would be funny if this was a Rainforest Cafe.

There is one joke. There is one joke in there.

Oh, yeah, I see what you're talking about.

So he comes up on the terrorist wink Wink, and they're like, oh, my God, we're just coming to get some food. For our family. And then the owner went crazy. Right. I feel like this is, like, a very ham fisted attempt at, like, oh, he just called the cops. Weaponizing law enforcement against people.

I think there was probably a discussion at making these quote unquote terrorists, either.

Muslim or black, 100%.

And they didn't have the fucking guts.

Yeah.

Because the show desperately wants to be better than it is.

Yes.

And then we get the one joke of this scene where he's like, yeah, we're not robbing the plate. There's plenty of snake sketty for everyone.

Snake Sketty is funny. Not as funny as Bruce valanche, but it's no.

And then, of course, Stone is like, well, being hungry is not an excuse for breaking the law, which is a lie.

It's a lie.

It is a lie. It is absolutely an excuse for breaking the law. If you're hungry, steal something from the grocery store.

I quote Fat Tony from The Simpsons. What if your family doesn't like bread? What if they like, for example, cigarettes?

Yeah. Oh, we are going to bring up The Simpsons every single episode. Get ready for that. Yeah, I'm all in favor of that. If you're hungry and you can't afford food, you should steal food 100%.

Food is not something that should be scarce.

That's the official stance of the Discrete Error podcast, is steal.

Yeah.

We conquered the scarcity of food on the planet as a race. We did it. And fuck anyone who tries to make money off of it.

Absolutely. And then when he says that, because it's something that's, on its face, absurd, especially given the circumstances of the world ending, they start clowning on him and calling him a fucking rent a cop. And he's making fun of him for he's like, what? He writes tickets for people? Double parking. And this is where he snaps. This is also a trope. Right? I'm trying to think of, like, another movie. Observe and Report is a movie that is entirely the entire movie is making fun of this kind of thing, as is Paul Blart. Yeah, but Paul Blart, he's actually a good guy.

Right? Yeah.

Observing Reports, making fun of it. Because Seth Rogen's character in that movie is a piece of shit.

He's a yeah.

Yeah. So of course he snaps. Finally being called a malcop one too.

Many times and murders everyone in there, including a child.

Including a child that was hiding underneath.

A table, which and this is where I have to ask a question. And again, I have a theory. Why wasn't he a mall cop? Wouldn't that make more sense in the grand scheme?

It would be more interesting, for sure.

Do you feel like it's interesting that he was an actual cop? That everyone called a mall cop and made fun, but he wasn't actually, so he's kind of right. You know what I mean?

That grinds my gears. But also the fact that he was a real cop and then snaps and out of a fit of rage, accidentally murders this child.

Yeah.

Doesn't like the and I'm assuming this is going to be an ongoing guilt thing with him. I guess that rings false to me because he's an actual cop, right? And he, like, snapped. I don't think he would feel guilty. I think if he was an actual mall cop and accidentally killed this child, and then that was part of his motivation to enforce law, that's a better story to me.

And the whole thing is about the myth and dispelling the myth. We're dispelling the myth that they were terrorists. But there's this myth about this Agent Stone that he was a cop and he took down terrorists. And it's more interesting to find out he wasn't a cop. And it's all myth. It's built on myth. Maybe I'm reading too much into twisted metal, but I'm interested in that story where this guy has been faking it and put together this whole operation having been a fucking mall cop. You know what I mean? That's interesting.

Yeah.

That's a much better twist of metal peeps. Hit us up for season two.

Send us your scripts and we'll fucking look at them. Tell you what's wrong with them a lot.

Invite us to the writer's room and pay us handsomely, handsomely, handsomely.

Yeah.

Also like him feeling guilty about the kid. It's like I don't care that he feels guilty because he's a piece of shit. So if it's supposed to humanize him that he feels guilty, it's like at every single fucking turn, he's like a turd. So why would I ever feel any sort of empathy for this fucking doofus, right?

Yeah, exactly. It's crap.

In fact, I was rooting for the girls that were roasting him. Yeah, I'm glad his neighbors robbed him.

I want them to be in the fucking tournament next season. That'd be awesome.

Yeah. They're better people than this cop.

How good is that? I know they don't have a plan and they're not clever, these writers, but how good is that? If they're a two person team and they're just those two mean girls and they are in the show, that would.

Be the kind of I would love that.

I would turn around on this show immediately.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'd be like, all right, you got me.

I'm in.

Yeah.

But yeah, I mean, if wishes and butts were candies and nuts, we'd all have a Merry Christmas or whatever.

Sure.

But then we're back. We're back to the main storyline, the present day. And the episode ends not with a bang, but with a fizzle. As they make their escape, mike sees the zip ties on the ground, realizes what happened. And because they don't have the keys.

No, they do have the keys in the gift shop.

Yeah, they have the keys, but the car is fucked up from them strip searching it. So because it's a manual transmission, though, we never really see John Doe shift this car at all. They're going to push start it right, which for you youngens out there, if you had a manual transmission car and you were like rolling down a hill, you could pop the clutch and start the car that way.

Yeah. The engine would engage and then start charging the battery.

Yeah.

We skip, though. That about quiet. Before she gets to the car. While Stu are getting keys and guns, she sneaks away.

She does. She sneaks away to get her vengeance. Greasy hair on Stone, but comes across in Stone's office, catches greasy haired shepherd beating his meat to an anime comic.

Yeah, and then he's got she's like, where's Stone? He's like, I got two stones because he's a creep.

And she says they're more like pebbles.

But also if they're hard, that's bad.

That's real bad.

Yeah, he should see a doctor.

Yeah, I can't imagine their health care plan is very good. Not very good, but he should get his testicles checked. Well, it doesn't really matter because she proceeds to beat him to death in.

The laziest pistol whipping you will ever see. I don't know if it's the actor, the direction, or again, taking the worst take, but she's just kind of like, I'm doing a thing with Kicker where I'm like bringing my hand down slowly. She's like, oh, I'm killing you.

Pistol whipping you.

Oh, it's so bad.

They beat him to death.

And they keep cutting to the anime mag. Like they cut to it two or three extra times. And I was like, what am I supposed to get out of this?

I'm assuming it's the only coverage they had and they had to cut away from her bad pistol whipping.

That's what I thought.

That seems like an editorial choice to me. That seems like a coverage issue.

Yeah, that they were like, this looks like shit, guys, we can't stay on this.

Cut to something. It's so fucking bad. And we can't reshoot because we used all $27 of the budget on Lens.

Steal my fucking sunshine.

Yeah. So she does it, gets a little bit of sweet revenge, kills him for sniffing her or whatever. And so Stu is pushing the car.

Wait, one more thing.

Topeka. We got to talk about Topeka. And while she's in the office, she.

Sees that Stone is in Topeka.

Oh, she sees a map. She sees a map of all of their bases of operation, too. Yeah. And then sees that their headquarters is in Topeka, of course.

And that's where she finds out that's where Stone went.

Yeah.

She's got to get a revenge, dude.

Yeah, she's got to get some revenge on his bitch ass, which I'm assuming will come into play in another episode.

Sure.

But yeah. So they're making their escape. Mike sees the zip ties on the ground, realizes that Stu has fucked it all up. And while they're pushed out in the car, recurring bit about the goofy trunk of Evelyn. The trunk pops open and hits him in the face and knocks him down.

Knocks him out.

Yeah.

They don't even realize he's not in the car.

Doesn't make sense.

And then they're like, good job, Stu. And turn around and like, oh, no, we lost Stu. And then he's like, oh, we got to go get him. And she's like, no we don't. He's like, yeah, fuck you, Stu. Bye.

Yeah, it's awful.

Yeah.

And then Mike pulls a gun on Stu and they arrest Stu. And that's the end. That's the end of episode three of First Metal.

I keep doing it, but I've got I got to bring something up because it makes no sense. So they're in the car. We go back to Quiet and John Doe and he's like, oh, it'd be faster if I drop you off somewhere before I get to New Chicago.

And she's like, yeah, my brother used.

To tell me about a wonderful place called Topeko where there are no walls.

That's where we should go.

She doesn't tell him about like why is she hiding her motivation that she.

Wants to go there to kill.

Stone?

I would assume she thinks that if she told him, he wouldn't drive her there.

Okay.

It's on the way.

He wouldn't risk doing it getting that close.

He's going to get there. It's going to be walls, and he's going to be like, oh, you lied. Get out of my car.

Whatever. Yeah. Another beautiful episode comes to a close. Yeah, totally.

Well, shit, thanks for listening to talking metal. Twisted style.

Talking twisted metal.

We'll be back.

Twisted talk about the metal.

Episode four.

We still have how many episodes?

We have seven more to go.

And how many till Manzuka shows up?

I think like five more or six more.

Dear fucking god.

Okay. I have to have something to look forward to. Guess that's it. Yeah. All right.

And there's no nudity in this show should be, which is weird. This seems like exactly the kind of show where they're like, fuck, dude, this is ass. We got to put naked people in it or something. Yeah, but they don't there is swearing.

Yeah, a lot. Yeah.

Like overcompensating. But that was the Game of Thrones method, right? Is there like, shit. People like, I know this is really intriguing, but we have long segues of weird political intrigue happening. And people aren't going to fucking chill. So we got to throw as many nude people as possible. And then they flipped it on its head, right? Because after like three seasons of nude ladies, then they're like, what if we just show dongs?

But as many dongs as fucking he's.

Like, okay, well played.

Yes, well played.

Game of Thrones, folks.

Oh, god. Much better show than this. Even I would say the last season of Game of Thrones is better.

Much better than this. This is garbage.

And that's garbage.

Yeah.

That is garbage.

And this is hot, trash soup.

This is the garbage that garbage fucking throws away.

Yeah.

So thanks for listening. Make sure you smash that subscribe button. Follow us on Instagram at discret or you can follow me at Funeral Casual Games.

I'm at Ian Golding Games.

And we will see you next week for twisted talk of metal talking twisted talk talking metal twisted style twisted talking oh, boy.

See you then. It.