Weekly Update for Week of 8/4/23

Welcome to fucking talking twisted metal.

Talking metal. Talking metal.

Talking metal. That's what it is.

We're talking metal.

It it's definitely talking Metal, the weekly show where we talk about the NBC peacock hit television show sweeping the nation.

Nay, the globe, the universe, the known.

Universe, based on the hit top selling PlayStation One game, Twisted Metal.

And you say based on you mean there's some similarities with character names?

Yes. Inspired by perchance, ripped from the headlines of perhaps.

Yeah.

You know what it is? You know what it is? It's talking twisted twist. Talking Metal.

Twist talk.

Twist talk. Twist tie. Twist Talk Episode 102 It took me a second to figure out what the fuck this is, but it's Three Ring Circus, I think.

Oh, yeah. I could not fucking figure out what this one was.

Yeah, it's three Rncrcs.

Yeah. Three ring circus.

It's not great.

No, it's not great. I mean, it's not great. None of this is great.

Like this show not great.

Not fucking great.

But we're watching it. We're watching it for the people.

Indeed we are. So we left off with John Doe.

And quiet, quiet, quiet about standing there.

Run down by who we now?

By Sweet Tooth.

Sweet Tooth and his ice cream truck.

Yes. His ice cream truck of death.

Yes.

And when we meet them again, they're on the run.

They're on the run. They got to get away.

They're on the run. And he pulls up and he's like, are you guys here for my show? Because of course and then Anthony Mackie gives him this line where he's like, yeah, I'm here for the show. And then they shoot at him.

Yep. The gun show.

They give him a Hecken shoot.

Yeah, indeed.

But they finally do kind of escape. And by escape, I mean they crash into a casino.

Yes.

And then Sweet Tooth finds them. And Quiet, who has not spoken a word.

No.

She crawls away and gets into the vents.

Yeah. She's a mute person.

Yes. And she crawls into the vents and throws something at John Doe to make noise.

Yeah.

And alerts Sweet Tooth to his presence. And then Sweet Tooth just beats the shit out of him.

Now, I'm going to start a new segment for talking metal. And it's called this is where Ian zoned out. So the episode starts. They shoot at Sweet Tooth. I have no memory and I watched it today of anything until the part you just said where he starts beating the shit out of John Doe. I know all that happened. I can't visualize it at all. Nothing. I just went to a happier place where I wasn't watching Twisted fucking Metal.

Well, it's visually not very special.

Oh, no.

So as he's beating his ass, he decides he needs some ass beating music. And we come to the most cringy, unnecessary fucking needle drop possibly ever.

Yes.

And that is the 90s early two.

Thousand s. I don't know. Yeah. Same.

It could be late ninety s. I don't know.

I think it is, actually.

Yeah. Thong Song by the white haired god himself, Cisco. Now, I didn't call him the white haired god. Sweet Tooth called him that for some fucking reason. And this is where sweet Tooth and John Doe bond. Because John Doe knows the words to.

The Thong Song, because we've established that.

He has CDs in his he likes CDs. In fact, he likes that CD so much, he wore it out. He says he broke the CD. So that happens.

Now, I believe. I looked this up. Thong Song is part of the shared library. I think it's universal at this point. It's not Sony, but yeah, sounds about right. That's why it was chosen.

Yes. And then at that point, they realize there's a misunderstanding. He really does want to see Sweet Tooth's show. And then with some masterful weaving, we go into the B storyline of this.

Episode, and how lucky we are that the B story is the same B story as last week. The fucking cop.

Yes. Kind.

Yeah.

So we are introduced to Stu and Mike, and we're introduced to them as they're about to be eaten by a group of cannibals.

Yeah, I believe they call them butchers. Butchers. And if you can believe it, it's the Hillbilly cannibal trope, if you can believe it. Groundbreaking stuff here.

Yes. And Stu is played by Mike Mitchell. He's an actor, but I think he might be most famous for his podcast, the Doughboys Podcast, which is incredibly popular, like fast food review podcast.

I think they don't even do that anymore. It's like three hour episodes. I tried listening to it. I'm not trying to start a podcast war here, but I couldn't get into it.

And then taj Vaughn. Vaughn's as Mike, who I don't know where he is from, just a guy. But as they're about to be butchered for their man, meat, for their long pig flank, the Butchers are unceremoniously slaughtered by Stone and the faction hereto referred to as The Law. Yes, that's what they're constantly called, the Law.

The Law.

And then they are freed. And it turns out that they were actually kicked out from their settlement because Stu, being the comic relief, lazy, oaf fat guy character, he fell asleep on guard duty and snored really loud.

He's a loud snore with, like, a.

Cartoon, like, bubble coming out of his mouth. Yeah, you can see his dream in a cloud above his head.

Beautiful.

So they were removed from their.

Little.

Area because of that. And that's when they got caught by the Butchers. And they are going to go back up to Seattle, which is where they were removed from. And Stone gives them a choice. This is a man who fucking loves choices.

It's all about choices, man.

He loves choices. And he tells them, you can try and make it back to Seattle or you can take this gun and be a cop?

Pretty much.

And they're like, I'll be a cop? Sure, why not? Yeah, and then we go back to the A storyline, which is John Doe and Sweet Tooth. And John Doe starts talking about how he loves Elaine, his car and Sweet Tooth's like, that's fucking weird, dude. Yeah, it's fucking weird. And he's like, if Elaine's a car, not a person, then who's she? And somehow somehow this is not explained. There is no sort of I mean, it seems like they walked from the ass beating to this showroom.

Yeah.

Somehow, at one point or another, john Doe was left alone and didn't try to escape. But Sweet Tooth caught quiet in the vents and put her in a fish tank.

A giant fish tank. A Vegas giant fish tank where they would keep sharks and such.

Yes. And then after explaining how his best friend is a paper bag named Harold that he's had since he was a you know, he's like, hey, I caught your friend. And he's gonna let her starve in there.

Yeah. And John DOE's like. Okay, cool. I don't like her anyway. But then, ha, she holds up his car keys.

Yeah, she's got the car keys. Looks like he's not going anywhere. Motherfucker.

And once she starves to death, those keys, they disappear from the earth.

That's true.

There's no way to get them.

Well, he is on a timeline.

That's true. Oh, yeah, you're right.

He only has on a timeline eight.

Days or whatever to eight to get eight days.

That's too many days.

Too many days.

Too many days.

Far too many days.

So he's like, how about you let her out and then you can hear more meat meat claps. Because that's what Sweet Tooth likes. He likes the sound of meat slapping together, aka claps. Sure, he's a showbiz kid. And then he does a play called In Room Entertainment. And he.

Yeah, he just recreates the in room entertainment that used to be at this it's called the Monte Cristo, I believe. It's like Monte Carlo. Monte Cristo. The sandwich, you see?

Yeah. He serves them white tiger steaks. Apparently the white tigers have escaped, which are there even white tigers in Vegas anymore? Like, sick of reading Roy. But you know what? This happened in, like 2000. Fucking something.

No, it happened now.

But the end of the world thing happened in 2003.

Right. So they were still saying what were they? Yeah, I think they were.

Yeah. So apparently they got loose and fucked and took an elevator up to the penthouse of this casino.

Sure.

And they've taken over that floor and somehow have survived on a diet of rats, I guess.

Sure.

Maybe. Unless he's feeding them, but he's also murdering them for their meats. Yeah, and I don't think, like, lion or tigers have a big litter.

I don't know, maybe a couple. But also within breeding and stuff.

Eventually we're going to so once it's done, they do their claps. And then Sweet Tooth's like, what do you think? And John DOE's like, it's great. And Sweet Tooth seeing through seeing through this fake compliment is like, you're a fucking liar. I'm going to kill everybody. And then Quiet, who up until this point, we thought was mute, says, oh, that shit fucking sucks, dude. Yeah, that shit's ass.

Okay, so I'm asking as a writer or producer or director, what was the purpose of Quiet? Why was it important that we thought she was mute? I don't know. It has nothing to do with anything. It's just a thing they did because there was going to be this big moment of surprise where the first thing she says is, that shit fucking sucked. And the audience was going to go, oh, my god. This person who I've seen on screen for maybe 15 minutes has really had me fooled this whole time. Who fucking care?

What a stupid because here's the thing, too. Even if later on in the series they explain why she was quiet or.

Whatever, why she was faking it, it.

Doesn'T matter at this point because they didn't explain it now, right? So any sort of payoff of this in the future is largely meaningless.

It's completely meaningless. There's the classic joke of like, someone doing a business meeting or whatever with a Chinese or Japanese person. And the assumption is they don't speak English. And then they say, you dumb fuck, blah, blah, blah. And then it goes, why did you say that you speak English? I could this whole time. That, at least, is a really tired trope. But at least it has, like, a payoff. This had no payoff in thinking she was fucking mute. None. It was just suddenly she just started talking.

And they just kind of, like, carry on as if he seems a little shocked for a second, but then is just like joining in with her. Berating sweet tooth's. Bad performance. And then he's like, thanks for being honest.

And he's like, I'm going to retool the show and take it on the road. Get it?

Yeah. They're like, you need more life experience? Go fucking do something. Now. Here's another weird thing, right, is when Sweet Tooth decides to let John Doe live, and all he has to do is watch the show, and then Sweet Tooth will let him leave. Sweet Tooth tells him, put. Nobody's ever survived all three acts, right? But the whole thing is just him doing the in room entertainment. Like, who didn't survive that, right?

Who did he kill during that?

Yeah.

Or is he saying they died of boredom? What is either the threat or the joke there?

It's neither. Neither. We also get a little Easter egg for fans of the game in this in that Sweet Tooth sleeps on a roulette table or a craps table. Yeah, I think it's sleeps on a craps table. And in his blankets. There's, like a jumpsuit that says Blackfield Asylum, which of course is doesn't he.

Mention that he was there? I think he says something like he's telling his life story or something. He mentions the other people at the asylum or something.

Or something like that.

Yeah. It's garbage.

Who knows? Yeah. And then he does the classic thing. So there's the Internet meme, right, that people don't know how to say bone appetite.

Yeah.

They say bone apple teeth. Yeah. He says bone Ape tit. Hilarious.

Because it's like when people see the word epitome, they say epitome because they've never seen it written.

So he said bone I aped it chameleon.

Ah, chameleon. Indeed.

Yeah. Bone ape tit. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Then back in the B story, we have to cover some stuff. Stu and Mike.

So Stu and Mike are at the law headquarters located inside the world famous Hoover Dam.

Love. Hoover Dam was what got there a few years ago. Amazing.

Yeah. It's really sad that Lake Mead's losing so much water because that whole area used to be so nice. Now the dam is a marvel of modern engineering.

Yeah. It's incredible.

Not even modern engineering. It's so old. But it's massive, truly. The scope of it finished early and under budget. Yeah. And so they are getting some hot food. They're getting a warm shower. Stu makes a joke where he says, last time I had warm water, it's nice to have warm water on my body that's not my own pit, or something like that, which is funny. And then Mike's like, hey, stop your fucking embarrassing me in front of the fucking cops. And then they tell me it's like, that's what you get for helping restore order. You get a hot meal, a hot shower. Yeah. Good stuff in an apocalypse. But then they realize they have to do their initiation.

Yeah, of course. Got to have an initiation.

And they go somewhere, and there's a broken down truck, and they're like, that's our truck. Then they hand them rifles, and it's like, you got to keep the seagulls off of it.

Yeah. Seagulls.

Yeah. They call them seagulls because I forget.

Because they pick it to whatever. Because they're picking garbage.

They pick it. Yeah. They eat shit.

The seagulls turn out to be people is the point.

Yes. The seagulls are people. So somehow, almost immediately, someone drives up and tries to rob. This clearly looks abandoned truck. So is it even robbing in a.

Post apocalyptic it's a fair.

Like, these people don't hurt anyone, but it's okay. You got to kill these people. And Mike basically does it without hesitation.

Yeah.

Stu, on the other hand, is like, I don't know, boss. Yeah. And then, of course, he shoots at the feet of this person. Classic. Classic. And then Mike blows that person's fucking brains out.

But he shoots at yeah. It makes it look like Stu missed. Not on purpose, that he's just a bad shot. And the agent, whatever his name is, it happens to all of us.

Don't let it happen again.

You're going to die, you dumb piece of shit.

Stupid motherfucker. Yeah. Thomas Hayden church. Really fucking going for it, I guess. Really going for it. Yeah. So then this is where Stu starts really questioning. He's like really questioning whether or not this was a good call. Should we have joined the law?

Maybe we should have tried to go back to Seattle.

Yeah. And then we go back to the A storyline and know, driving it's quiet and quiet and John Doe driving. And then they pull up, surprise, surprise. What's near Vegas?

Hoover, motherfucking Dam.

The Hoover Dam. And who happens to be at the gate? But Stu, Mike, and one of the dudes that helped that pulled over her and her brother when her brother killed himself in the last episode. My god. And of course, they asked for their what is it, like travel Pass or something stupid. Yeah. What is it? Something road license. But it's orl. And then he's like, you asking me for oral? Which is a hilarious joke.

Sure.

Yeah. Brilliant writing. Well done. And then she sees this copper, this piece of shit, and does what any rational sane person would do and gets out of the car, pulls a gun and says, eat my ass.

Yes, of course.

Which is a throwback. That's what we call a throwback in the biz.

Indeed.

It's a throwback to the first episode where her brother said that and then killed himself.

It's like a good catchphrase. Family.

Yeah. Instead of getting shot off because she had to announce this whole fucking thing, she gets tased and John Doe gets tased. And then the episode ends. And I will say that some fucking how this episode is worse than the first.

Far worse.

Because this one feels like doesn't even feel like a fucking episode.

No, nothing really happens.

This feels like nothing. It's just a detail. I would have preferred them have the first episode be an hour long and end here.

Yeah, that's not bad.

That would have been like if you're binging it, it's fine, I guess. But this is like a very bad standalone episode.

Yeah. It's horrible. Yeah.

Sticking with the theme of two big needle drops, an episode, though, there is Thong Song by Cisco and Shimmy Shimmya by old Dirty Bastard. Wu Tang Clan.

Yeah. Rip gone too soon. Yeah.

Shimmy Shimmya. Shimiya shimiye. A great song in a horrible fucking episode of television ruined by God.

Good God, indeed.

And can we just talk about how bad Sweet Tooth is? It's just embarrassing. Like, nothing like his character in the game. Nothing like a good character in any TV show.

No. And it just seems like this is obviously a function of poor writing. But every character is the same. They all have the same well, no, that's not true. Sweet Tooth John Doe? Quiet. To a certain extent. And the two MOOCs, Skidoo and Mike just have this quippiness to them where everyone just doesn't take anything seriously and blah, blah, blah, and fucking Agent what's his name is like the hard ass. But Sweet Tooth and John Doe are just like the same thing. And Sweet Tooth was horrible. Like horrible.

Yes. I'm sticking to my analysis from last week's episode where this show's biggest problem I think is trying to be funny.

Yes.

Swings at humor are so bad and they virtually never land in these first two episodes. I think the only time that I actually chuckled at a bit is him trying to parallel park in the first episode.

Yeah, that was funny.

Yeah, it was a funny little bit.

Yeah.

But this is a show that is trying a joke every 30 seconds.

Oh yeah. And they're not good jokes. No, they're poorly set up, poorly executed. They just poor. They're bad.

Yeah, this was a no jokes, refused writers room.

Absolutely.

So that was episode two of Twisted Metal Three Ring Circus. I'm hoping for things to get better.

Oh, please.

Can't imagine they do. But hey, they can't get worse.

Yes, they can. Of course they can.

Can it get worse? One got worse. This is one of yeah, but one though, I was like, it could definitely be worse.

I didn't think that. It can get worse. It can get worse. It will get worse.

I feel like episode one was an exercise in mediocrity. This is like aggressively bad.

It is. And I'm expecting I know that they are killing time because they've got this eight day thing set up and episode two was killing time. And it doesn't feel like we're over the speed bump of killing time because we've just put another fucking obstacle in John DOE's way, which is now the law. So we'll see.

I'm the law.

And no hint of Jason Manzukas the only reason I'm watching anymore.

So fun fact, I looked ahead a little bit. I cheated just to scope. He does not show up until episode seven, dear. He is only in one episode, dear.

Fuck. Why?

I know, it's wild.

Oh man, this is going to be rough.

It's wild.

I have to wait four episodes before I get to see Zooks.

But hey, we do it for the people, we do it for the fans. We do it for you, our loyal audience.

Indeed.

So make sure you check us out on social media. You can find us at discrete AirPod on Instagram. You can also find me at funeral. Casual games.

I'm at Ian Golding Games.

And we will see you next week on Talking Twisted at Twisted Talkers. Twisted talking to metal.

The twisted talking. Yeah, we will see you then. Thanks for listening.

Ario smocha Joe.